Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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