this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
