My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
