Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
