Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
