there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it penis luge time yet?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
