Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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