True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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