i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
