genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
