The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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