Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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