Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
