her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
