My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
