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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away

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• (646): View more from New York

  in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again

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• (716): View more from New York

  Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....

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• (845): View more from New York

  Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.

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