I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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