if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He passed out mid-signature
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
as a side note pls kill me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
