a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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