I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
