make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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