i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
