i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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