I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
