what day is it and did you see me today?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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