I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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