Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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