I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
