Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
