all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sext me about skeletons
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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