Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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