Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
