My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
