i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
