I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
