I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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