I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
