so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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