How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
