forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ketchup is God's man juice
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
