DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
