I just threw up on my dentist
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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