DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
