cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
