1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
