i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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