He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
