found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
