Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
