so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
